Women’s health articles

Mother’s Day — hasn’t that passed?

by Dixie Mills, MD

What? Mother’s Day? Wasn’t that last Sunday — isn’t it past? Very few people in the US can escape the commercialism of Mother’s Day. It is the second most profitable gift-giving holiday after Christmas! According to Hallmark, 96% of consumers take part in some way in Mother’s Day. Judging from my in-box this month, everyone from American Airlines to Wal-Mart was trying to capture the consumer with some catchy deal via e-mail. Now, however, with the pressure off to find that perfect gift, I’d like to bring up some afterthoughts on the real meaning of motherhood for you to mull over — on every Mother’s Day and in between too.

I actually first proposed having a newsletter on the topic of Mother’s Day after receiving a letter from the National Women’s History Museum asking for money. But upon reading the letter more carefully, I found that they were offering remembrance cards to honor and thank the women who have helped you in your life. Once the appreciation cards were sent, the museum would add the women’s names to their Roll of Honor and Remembrance in an effort to fill in the missing half of history that honors all the women who have come before and silently shaped our country and our world. I was personally very moved by this — particularly as I thought of my maternal ancestors and how little I actually knew about them but how much I felt in my bones, my DNA, that they had contributed to who I am today.

But since receiving that letter and having that inspiration, I have been intensely aware of the commercialism of Mother’s Day. As the first Sunday in May approached there seemed to be an overabundance of advertisements for Mother’s Day gifts — from cards and flowers to spas and shopping sprees. And then there were all those articles on how to choose the “perfect” gift for a certain kind of mother (as if a hip-hop mother would want something different than a baby-boomer mother!). I think I was so (unconsciously) upset by this that I forgot to put a stamp on my own Mother’s Day card — so it came back! I certainly didn’t want to add to the coercion and guilt of Mother’s Day and almost decided not to write this article.

But this is a women’s website and we all have had a mother, who may be living now or not. We all have had many mother figures in our life and we all live on Mother Earth. Some of us are mothers, biologically or adoptive, or as volunteers or professionals assume a mother-figure role. Some of us mother our pets. Some of us are now grandmothers (a role I look forward to immensely). Unconditional love has been described as birthing and growing a heart and then allowing it to walk along on its own. Almost every woman most likely at some time has experienced a similar maternal feeling. (Some men have too!) And we know that most mothers, whether they want to or not — like to or not — end up taking charge of their family’s health on all levels, from making food choices to deciding when to go to the doctor to passing on their health beliefs to their children.

Much has been written about the complex role of mothering — its joy, boredom, exhaustion and sorrow. To paraphrase others, “Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is as hard as helping a person develop her or his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own.” Or as Felicity Huffman says on “Desperate Housewives,” “I find motherhood incredibly challenging and difficult, and those words are anemic compared to the experience.”

And all this work comes without a paycheck. Salary.com estimated that an at-home mom should be paid $131,471 per year — so think what a working mom is really worth! An unknown author perhaps said it best: all mothers are working mothers. But shouldn’t we be mindful of this more than one day a year?

How did Mother’s Day begin? There are many legends of ancient Greek and Roman celebrations for a mother goddess and spring holidays in Celtic England for St. Brigid honoring the first milk of ewes. (That caught my eye, my specialty being the breast.) However, the US holiday seems to have been born from the ideas of two women — Julia Ward Howe (author of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"), who tried to create a Mother’s Day for Peace in 1873, and Anna Jarvis, who celebrated the first Mother’s Day at her local church on May 10, 1907, the day of her mother’s death.

Ms. Jarvis wanted to honor her mother’s efforts in creating Mother’s Work Days for improved sanitation and Mother’s Friendship Days for reconciliation after the Civil War. After much debate, Congress established an official Mother’s Day in 1914 and Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the day to honor women’s role in the family (not what the original women actually intended it to be). In fact Ms. Jarvis, who was not a mother herself, is said to have written angrily about the commercialism of the holiday back then, saying that buying a card is a poor excuse for the letter you are too lazy to write. She remained at odds with the floral industry until her death.

Which brings me to the present. What is the purpose of Mother’s Day in 2005? Beyond trying to find the perfect card and gift, it is a day to simply honor motherhood. But wouldn’t it be nice if every day we had some sort of little ritual to honor mothering? Or better yet, for each of us to find some way to remember the importance of first being a good mother to our self?

Some of us had better role models than others and many of us have spent — and still spend — hours hashing out with friends or therapists our mother-daughter relationships. We can’t deny its power particularly as we age and recognize the similarities in the mirror. It is a notoriously complex relationship and for some is a source of constant friction. But tension leads to growth and I think that is what we all want. We just get there at different speeds and on different paths.

But there is so much good, positive wisdom to come from exploring the mother-daughter relationship. I am beginning to think that if we can understand and put into action the wisdom to be found in that relationship — rather than fester in the problems — the ripple effect could put us on the road to world peace and improvement. I’m sure that a united feminine power could boost brotherly love up a few notches!

So I would ask you to just be conscious of your mothering spirit — its intuitive gifts and wisdom. Try not to be hard on yourself or your mother or her spirit. It is where things are now and it is bound to change. And to remember the courage and achievements of the women who came before us — our mothers, grandmothers, and even our great-grandmothers — who made it possible for us, as women, to have the opportunities we have today. As Alice Walker wrote, “Our mothers and grandmothers — anonymously handed on the creative spark — the seed of the flower they themselves never hoped to see.”

Hopefully by appreciating their struggles and the belief that they were doing the best they could in their situation, we can move on, acknowledging their and our shadows but also the greater light. Take some time in your daily prayer, meditation or quiet walks to say a little thank you to all the mothers in your life. And perhaps last but not least, think about, thank and care for our Mother Earth!

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Further reading on mother’s day

 

Original Publication Date: 05/12/2005
Last Modified: 02/16/2010
Principal Author: Dixie Mills, MD