Every day I hear from frustrated women about their sex lives, and overwhelmingly they want to know: Is it really over after menopause? My answer, much like Dr. Christiane Northrup’s, is Absolutely not! Menopause is actually the perfect time to explore and achieve what you want in the bedroom. And not surprisingly, what you learn will help your partner as well.
Our culture often sends the message that sex is about pleasing a man, so it’s no wonder that when women reach menopause, their sex drive fizzles out — they’re sick of doing everything for everyone else! Menopause is about finding out what makes you happy — and this should not exclude your sex life. According to Dr. Northrup, “...a turned-on woman who is having fun and enjoying her life is a blessing to the entire universe.” And both Dr. Northrup and I have literally seen marriages and relationships turned around when couples spend time exploring what turns a woman on.
Come join my longtime friend and colleague, Dr. Northrup, and me for a healthy, much-needed discussion about sex and menopause. We’ll take a closer look at some of the breakthrough ideas presented in her new book, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, and learn about the endless possibilities women have for great sex during and after menopause.
Libidos large and small
MP: One thing I often hear in my practice and from the newsletter community is that women feel so incredibly discouraged by low libido. They feel like there are no good solutions. And on top of that, women feel demoralized by the implications of menopause.
CN: Well, our libido is our life force. It reflects the degree to which we are tapped in to the creative life force of the planet. And in the physical body, when you have sex, there is potential for conceiving and participating directly in this creative life force. This is orgasmic. It results in moisture and fluids and allowing oneself to surrender to a force that’s bigger than oneself.
So why does libido go underground? It is because women have been so confused, and because the sexual revolution took place according to male values. Heterosexual women have been taught that our job is to get a man up and off! That it’s not our job to find out about ourselves and our own sexuality.
A woman gets to a certain age — maybe 45 — and she has been having sex not on her terms, but on terms she’s learned from the culture that have nothing to do with her own sexual needs, wants, desires, or her own sexual equipment. So her inner wisdom arises toward midlife, and every person who comes to you or who has come to me discouraged is actually on the verge of a breakthrough because her body is saying, I will no longer have sex in a way that does not celebrate me or that does not replenish me.
MP: It’s so true. So how can women begin getting in touch with themselves, to better understand what will celebrate and replenish them?
Did you know...?
- The clitoris has about 8000 nerve endings.
- The clitoris is connected to the G spot, or the sacred spot, which also has thousands upon thousands of nerve endings.
- The clitoral system has as much erectile tissue or more than the male penis, except that it’s embedded within the pelvis.
CN: What I specifically wanted to get across in The Secret Pleasures of Menopause is that women are multiorgasmic by nature and are capable of unlimited amounts of pleasure. But they are simply unawakened to what is possible with their bodies. And the only way they’re going to awaken that area is to be willing to move through the messages that are stored throughout their bodies and in their brains about what is proper and what isn’t.
You and I both know, because we’ve spent so much time literally in a woman’s pelvis, there are only two places in this culture where it’s okay to look at yourself or have someone else look at your pelvis. One is in the clinical office, while having a pelvic exam and Pap smear. The other is while having sex with the appropriate partner. But, believe it or not, it’s still not okay for a girl to look at this area of her body and admire it, and get to know how beautiful it is to look at herself when she’s turned on, to see the clitoris come out of the hood, to explore the sacred spot with her finger, or to do what the Taoists call self-cultivation. Our culture calls it masturbation, which is a word associated with shame.
You know when you do a pelvic exam, that the minute you put the speculum in, you’re right in the soul of a woman’s body. You’re right where she stores all of her pain.
MP: Yes. I’ve seen so many women literally writhing on the exam table because of past sexual experiences, and even pain from childhood that hasn’t been addressed.
CN: If a woman is willing to take the time, by herself, to awaken this area through self-pleasuring, through talking nicely to this area of her body, to beginning to see it as a power center, she can turn all that around. So here we are with all the major drug companies trying to come up with the pink Viagra for women. The pink Viagra is actually between our ears, and you can learn how to turn yourself on, and to use your creative orgasmic energy to improve your health and improve your life. But the first thing it takes — and this takes enormous courage — is saying Yes to yourself and No to sexual encounters that simply don’t work for you.
“The pink Viagra is actually between our ears...”
I believe the reason women are so discouraged is because they don’t know they’re sitting on a throne of gold and that they are in fact erotically intact. Everything’s fine there! They just haven’t been paying any attention, or the right kind of attention, to that area.
I look at the number of women who’ve had hysterectomies and the number who’ve had their ovaries removed, or have had radiation, or are on antidepressant medication — all of this can interfere with libido. But here’s the good news: when you decide that libido is important to you, that it is your life force, you can actually learn how to increase your libido simply with your intent.
MP: Do you think what turns us on becomes different in menopause? I mean, does what turned us on at 20, change at 50?
CN: No. I think that what turns us on at 11 is the same as what turns us on at 50. But we’ve suppressed it. See, there’s one thing that’s quite wonderful about turning 50: it’s the beginning of “My give-a-damn is busted!”
MP: Agreed! So what about those women whose sex drive really soars at menopause, but their partner’s is really low?
CN: As Dr. Oz said on the Oprah Show, “The penis is the dipstick of men’s health.” And what I love about that line, Marcelle, is — do you recall when we were doing all that HPV testing in the old days? And we decided we would have a “dip-dick clinic” because no one was testing for HPV in men; so we were going to dip their penises in acetic acid to show that HPV wasn’t being harbored only in women.
MP: I remember very well...
CN: So when Dr. Oz said the penis was the dipstick of men’s health, I just died. I loved it, and it sort of brought my life together in one seamless circle.
But anyhow, what we know for sure is that if you’ve got to use Viagra, you’ve already got cardiovascular disease. The blood vessels in the penis are simply reflecting what’s going on in the rest of the body. The good news is, men do not need a penis to pleasure a woman. And it’s very important to a man’s self-esteem that he know how to pleasure a woman.
In Steve and Vera Bodansky’s book, The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm, they have very explicit directions on how you can teach an extended, massive orgasm, and how you can bring a woman to that state where she is simply enjoying pleasure for as long as she wants using only manual stimulation. I think that the penis has been overrated, and that oral sex or use of the fingers often does a much better job. And many men will tell you that they are more rejuvenated by bringing their partner to ecstasy than by their own pleasure.
Testosterone for low sex drive
MP: We know that testosterone plays a major role in libido for both women and men, and some women may be deficient in it. What do you think about women with a low sex drive taking testosterone?
CN: I think that is the most interesting question. Because if you read all the literature and you put it all together, you find that the studies on giving testosterone are mixed. Here’s what I think: Low testosterone is a symptom of adrenal burnout. And I noticed in your book, The Core Balance Diet, you talk a lot about adrenal burnout. Thank God. Because to me, it is the overstressed adrenals, from the fight-or-flight reaction, that are pumping out cortisol and epinephrine for years and years. Then, when the ovaries start to change function, you don’t have any reserve anymore. When you can heal the adrenals, you don’t need nearly as much exogenous hormone therapy because the body itself will naturally begin to make those hormones.
We know from Roland McCraty’s work with the Institute of Heart Math that when you learn how to think with your heart, and you learn how to change the beat-to-beat variability of your heart through appreciation, you actually increase your DHEA levels — and that’s the precursor for testosterone.
No sex is okay with me
MP: I’m sure that over the years you and I both have had patients who’ve said, “I am not interested in sex; I haven’t thought about it in years, and I’m in a marriage where both of us are okay with that.” What do you have to say to those people, Chris?
CN: I think that is a fantastic question. What I’d say to that is yes, you can go to McDonald’s and have a burger with fries and a milkshake every day, but when you call that “eating well” and when you call that partaking of the culinary pleasures and delights of the world, then you are sadly missing out on the gourmet meals that are available with a little imagination and a little thought.
But it’s up to the woman to heat things up in this area. A man goes along with what’s going on with a woman because his penis is a barometer of her turn-on. What turns on a man is a turned-on woman, which is why the perennial “lesbian fantasy” keeps coming up in sit-coms. Because when men see two women together, it’s double the turn-on.
Some of Dr. Northrup’s suggestions for “turning it on”
- Rent a DVD on the art of striptease.
- Take a belly dancing class.
- Rent some erotic movies (not porn).
- Start an erotic book club with other women.
So what the woman has to do — and this requires some self-esteem and willingness to take a risk — is go back to the things that would normally turn her on but which she has talked herself out of. And that would be maybe getting a little DVD course on the art of striptease, or taking a belly dance course, or renting some erotic movies. Not porn. Porn turns off women because they know that it’s a “power-over” thing, and that’s not a turn on.
But what is truly erotic is life force, and when a woman decides she’s going to do this for herself, she can rejuvenate the marriage. Here’s the truth: we know that those who have an active sex life live longer, because turning on the so-called lower chakras illuminates everything. Most women after menopause live from the heart up; it’s like they’ve been taught, the rest of the body goes to sleep now, and so it’s dormant. But we know that sexual energy never goes away and that you can cultivate it.
Sex is the ultimate life force, but it can be scary to let go and surrender. On the other hand, when you allow yourself to work through the pain that’s stored in this area, you can break through into enormous bliss, and that is what the book The Art of Conscious Loving, by Carolyn and Charles Muir, is all about. They actually give very specific instructions for couples to work with. And it will take a woman saying to the man, “I would like to do this, and I would love to have you join me.” What I’ve found is that men are usually more than open to this. They’ve been waiting for an invitation.
MP: These are great reminders about igniting sensuality, as well as igniting other areas of our lives. We have to be mindful of and open to what works to solve the things that aren’t working.
CN: Let me share the story of one of my colleagues. She attended Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, having already gone to a lawyer to file for divorce. She had separated the finances. She was ready to go, and I suggested that she take the course simply because, if she was going to be a divorced single mother, it would be nice for her to have some female support and to get more friends and to learn how to bring more pleasure into her life on other levels.
While she was there, she realized that she had never once allowed her husband to see her vulva or her clitoris, or to be involved in that area of her body. She learned as part of this course that the female genitals are the source of life and that they can rejuvenate a relationship. So, since she had never allowed her husband to have access to this area EVER, she thought, Well, okay, I’ll do an experiment.
So she tells her husband what she’s learned, and they make a date to go out and do a little dancing. Then they go home, he takes the baby-sitter home, and she puts on some music. When her husband gets back — I kid you not — he is wearing a camper’s headlight on his head! He says, “Okay, if I’m going to do this, I gotta see what it is I’m goin’ for, right?”
So now she calls him Captain Headlamp! I will tell you that they had the steamiest session that they have ever had, and it completely turned their marriage around — by allowing him to provide pleasure for her. It had nothing to do with him getting up or getting off. This just had to do with him honoring and worshipping her sacred anatomy. I have seen it over and over, but it has to be the woman who is going to make the first move. Over the years I’ve had men write to me, each telling me that he knew he could help his wife, but she just wouldn’t let him.
Talking with your partner about sex
MP: What about those people who have a hard time communicating with their partners about any of this? Perhaps they’ve been taught the lessons from their mothers about keeping things to themselves, and they’re still carrying those patterns into menopause.
CN: Well you know, menopause is that fork in the road where one side says “grow” and the other says “die.” In having gone through this particular transition myself, I can tell you that it all depends on a person’s desire to change, because menopause, just like the premenstrual time, or the postpartum time, or the fall of the year, is an open window. It is an invitation to go deeper. And I think you could say to a woman, you either wake this area up and fuel your life with it, or decide that you’re getting old now and this is the end for you.
It’s your decision. You get to have the life force for your entire life or you can bypass it. I realize many women are inhibited in this area, but could I suggest that they simply start with some affirmations, looking lovingly at themselves in a mirror.
And there’s another part. We’ve been taught that you never discuss sex with other women, other than to complain. And one of the things I learned at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York City was that when a bunch of women get together and egg each other on in this area, the other women become the source of shakti, or life force, the same force that makes the green shoots come out of the earth in the springtime. Women have that. We literally form a placenta for one another, and we can learn to support each other in the fullest expression of who we are. And that includes our sexuality.
Sex and body image
MP: Let’s talk for a minute about body image. We both know that the image women hold of themselves is a large part of self-esteem and happiness. How do you think body image contributes to feeling sexy?
CN: Your erotic potential is there and can get better and better. It has nothing to do with your age. It has nothing to do with your weight, or how your body looks compared to models in Vogue magazine. Men stand up and cheer when I lecture and say, “Men are a lot less hard on your bodies than you are.” Most of them don’t care nearly as much as women care.
I think the main thing is that, as medical authorities, we can shore up people’s ability to get it that their bodies are fine, that they are erotically intact, no matter what they look like.
Let’s say you are in a committed relationship, and your guy looks at another woman’s breasts and you go up in a flame ball. Well, what you learn over time is, all he’s doing is participating in the life force, the shakti available in the world. So when he appreciates her but has made a commitment to you, you both can admire her and bring that back into your relationship.
When you have a committed relationship, you can collect all the goodies of the world and bring them back into a primary relationship, and that keeps it new and renewing regularly. So all that jealousy between women goes away as you realize that other women can bring you a better product.
MP: You spoke earlier about Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. It sounds like such an incredible program, but what about those women who can’t afford it? Is there something we could connect them with to get more of this information?
CN: Yes. I think that they could read The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, which has the scientific basis for why pleasure is so important to your health, through the nitric oxide connection, meaning nitric oxide is the molecule of chi or prana. It is life force, and it creates balance in neurotransmitters and increases circulation throughout the body.
So first of all, they get the scientific basis. Then, the second thing is, they can just read two of Regena’s books: Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts and Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men. These books are very cheeky and very funny.
The connection between nitric oxide, sex, health and happiness
MP: Let’s talk a little bit about the science of nitric oxide. How does nitric oxide work to our advantage in the body?
CN: Nitric oxide is a gas that’s produced in the endothelial lining of every blood vessel in our bodies, including all the capillaries. Every cell of our body is only about one micron away from the lining of a blood vessel. And when you are doing anything that feels good, or taking a good antioxidant supplement or exercising or praying or having an orgasm, your nitric oxide levels rise and your blood circulation is increased. More than that, nitric oxide is the über neurotransmitter. It is the one that regulates all the other neurotransmitters and because it’s a gas, it goes through the body instantly. So high nitric oxide levels, let’s say from clitoral stimulation, will instantly change the neurotransmitter levels of the brain and balance them out.
This is why, after a pleasurable session — whether it’s a massage or foot reflexology or sex — your face is flushed and you look a certain way, because you’ve got this huge rush of nitric oxide throughout your body that has begun to balance everything out. Ferid Murad, MD, PhD, who’s done Nobel Prize-winning research on nitric oxide, agrees that this is most likely the way in which life energy is made into a physical substrate. When an egg and sperm get together at fertilization, there’s a huge burst of nitric oxide. And nitric oxide is responsible for the white light at the end of life, too. So I like to think nitric oxide has us coming and going, and that it’s associated with ecstasy and with pleasure.
MP: What I love about everything you’ve said is that it gives women such inspiration and hope, especially in a culture where so many women go into menopause thinking, Okay, now it’s over. We’ve unfortunately been taught that men are in their prime in their 50’s and 60’s, and women are washed up. But that’s not how it is at all and thankfully, you’re letting these secrets out.
CN: I believe these new ideas are what’s behind the resurgence of interest in belly dancing, the “S factor,” pole dancing, and the sacred art of striptease. One of my friends teaches the art of erotic dance, and I’ve never seen anything that improved the self esteem of women faster than these things.
And not one of these classes is about performing for men. Not one. It’s about women bringing each other along. And a turned-on woman who is having fun and enjoying her life is a blessing to the entire universe.
MP: It’s so true. And then, not only are those women turned on sexually, but they’re turned on sensually, and their biochemistry changes and the inflammation decreases and the heart disease decreases and the adrenals get better — it’s all connected. We aren’t kidding when we say sex is good for your health! Chris, I want to thank you for sharing this time with us.
There are so many wonderful things I took away from my discussion with Dr. Northrup, but I believe the best lesson for all of us is to simply find out what makes you feel good! When we’re doing the things we love — in and outside the bedroom — our cells respond by sending those pleasure signals to every system in the body. Our instincts have told us for decades that happiness is intimately linked to health, and now we know it’s true. What is pleasurable is different for every woman, but it’s so worth the time and energy it takes to get there. And it’s about time you said yes to yourself!
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