Menopause & perimenopause
Redefining yourself once the kids are grown
by Dixie Mills, MD
If you’ve ever raised a teenager, you know there are times you just pray
for the day your child is grown and on his or her own — whether that means
college, a job, military service, or travel, it seems as though your child’s
departure is a much-anticipated event from both sides of the fence. Many parents
find that a child’s burgeoning independence is as much a source of conflict
as it is a source of pride — and of course, the child also often finds the
household rhythms to be constricting. Particularly with an only child or the last
of several children, daily life with your one-time baby can be a real trial. After
all, what parent doesn’t complain about how their son or daughter now spends
all her time on the phone or out with his friends — and insists on leaving
toothpaste in the sink and wet towels on the floor when he or she is home?
Then IT happens: one day your son or daughter is off to find their future, and you
are left at home with a child’s empty room, a clean bathroom, a quiet kitchen.
And suddenly, that prayed-for departure isn’t the relief you thought it would
be.
Before it happened to me, I questioned whether “empty nest syndrome”
was truly a phenomenon or just some fluff. Well, the more I delved, the more I discovered
that it is real, and that seeing our child packing his or her bags can leave us
feeling devastated or unprepared. I will confess that I was so concerned about how
I was going to face this emptiness (being a single mother of one son) that I decided
to move, switch jobs, and leave the state — all at the same time! But I also
learned that, as many empty-nesters are simultaneously transitioning through menopause,
this time has more potential than I had ever imagined.
There are many ways to prepare for when our children leave our homes, and redefining
our roles as mothers can be a rewarding experience not just for ourselves, but for
our kids as well. So instead of visualizing a real bird’s nest without any
eggs, I like to think of this transition as opening a new door in your life and
your home. I have spoken with many people about the subject, lived through my own
first year with an empty nest, and come to a variety of conclusions about menopause
and the empty nest, which I will share with you here.
Redefining the empty nest
With each passing generation, American family life is becoming more complex and
diverse. We now have terms like “helicopter parents” (parents that seem
to “hover” over everything their child does); we have “post-launch
honeymoons,” “cellular leashes,” and “half-full nests.”
There are the empty-nesters whose time is filled by aging parents who need care;
or, with re-marriage, many empty-nesters have step-children or “half-nests.”
Nowadays, with more American households having single parents, two working parents,
and more children returning to live with parents because of financial or marital
woes, many of us are also facing new challenges as our homes become less like “empty
nests” than “revolving doors” for our boomerang children.
The term “empty nest syndrome” was created by psychologists in the 1970’s
to define the sense of loss or depression that parents often feel when their children
leave home. Though studies show moms and dads within the same family tend to experience
similar feelings when their children leave home, the term is more stereotypically
applied to the mother’s experience. It can also apply to perhaps a changing
nature of the relationship with your partner, as parents now find themselves with
the extra space — physical and emotional — formerly occupied by a child.
It does not have a defined medical or psychiatric code, nor are there ads for medications
to take for it.
In traditional cultures, where the older generations receive great respect and care,
there are rarely signs of empty nest syndrome — but as these same cultures
become more mobile and the extended family more scattered (China is one example),
the phenomenon of empty nest begins to appear. So it’s important to note that
“empty nest” is really a product of modern life, and the definition
could be broadened to refer to any time when an older child leaves the family home
to establish a permanent life elsewhere.
Menopause and the empty nest
During perimenopause or menopause, our emotions become magnified by any major change
in our life circumstances, including the newly set stage of an empty nest. We may
feel caught off-guard as our children seem to need us (or avoid us) at their whim
— and our fluctuating hormones during this time can often amplify our feelings.
We may feel frustrated, perplexed, amused, and philosophical in turns as we transition
from our role as direct caregivers to forging more adult-like interactions with
our kids. But if we prepare for our child’s departure early, chances are we’ll
look at this change in our lives a little differently.
Current research shows that the empty nest syndrome may not be nearly as difficult
as some parents think. While there is a sense of loss when the last child leaves,
most parents don’t report “sadness” so much as thinking differently
about how to redefine their role from nurturer to one more of mentor, and exploring
the possibilities for their own personal growth. You may not have an easy time letting
go, but more mothers are showing happier marriages, and more confidence and stability
when the last child leaves the nest. And women who have rewarding relationships,
full or part-time jobs, or hobbies outside the home are less likely to experience
depression or other symptoms when their child leaves home. So many mothers start
new careers or return to a job they loved before they started a family. Let’s
face it, after raising children, you probably have highly refined communication
skills!
If your empty nest triggers deep feelings of sadness or depression, it’s important
to speak about your emotions with your healthcare practitioner. But many women discover
that an empty nest can usher in many rewarding changes. They view this time as an
opportunity to make positive changes in their lives, starting with their health.
So it’s a good idea to find hormonal balance and support early, and prepare
for this big life change.
In other words, experiencing empty nest and menopause at the same time does not
have to be a collision course — in fact, after the last child leaves home,
many menopausal and perimenopausal women are happy for the extra space and time
to focus on their own physical, intellectual, and emotional needs. I also find that
it helps to exchange stories with others about our feelings and experiences with
the empty nest. One thing I learned from this is that the old adage, “Once
a mother, always a mother,” still applies — it’s what lies on
the arc between caregiver and mentor that bends the mind! So I’d like to offer
you my stages of empty nest, to help you identify and perhaps even recast what you’re
going through.
Dixie Mills’ stages of empty nest syndrome
Anticipation — the year before
We all have different levels of worry, and this period can extend for years with
those who obsess, or be shorter for those who repress. However, there is almost
always a period of time lasting several months to a year in which the idea of the
child’s departure is discussed, whether it is the first, the only, or the
last child. It is often a busy year, one filled with job or college application
forms to fill out, places to visit, and occasions to celebrate — a “milestone”
birthday, a successful job hunt, or a graduation. It can be such a demanding and
event-filled year that both the parent and child have only the rare moment to reflect
upon the fact that things are going to be very different, very soon.
Despite thinking I would be prepared by having my son spend time away at several
overnight camps and summer college experiences, he always did come back, and the
school year always started again. But after he moved out, I needed some physical
demonstration of the change, which was why I decided to move. It is not necessarily
the way I’d recommend, and I was fortunate that I was able to pull it off!
So I urge parents to prepare themselves for this transition as much as possible.
If you can find the time during this busy year, a parent can do a little reading
up on the topic (see my recommended books below) or find a support team to meet
with other parents. Writing about your experience and sharing your story with others
is a great way to make the transition easier—and it can also be better for your
health. Anticipating a child leaving home can be enormously stressful, and outside
stressors can trigger physical responses in our bodies. So the right kind of preparation
can help your body and mind stay calm and cool during this anxious and emotional
time, especially since the reality is about to set in.
Reality — the transition year
This is the getting-used-to-it year — the transition year. It can be very
emotional, and there will be peaks and valleys. The tears usually come first, and
little things can set one off at the oddest times, liking seeing a child just standing,
backpack over the shoulder, waiting at a bus stop. And if our hormones are out of
whack, those emotions might really be hitting home.
The first year will be a testing ground for developing new ways of being a part
of your child’s life. Many parents seek to maintain as close a relationship
as possible, and this can be good (or not so good) for you both. With cell phones,
text messaging and e-mails, regular unintrusive contact is possible, but it can
be carried to an extreme. These are known as “cellular leashes” held
by “helicopter parents,” in which parents demand that their children
call every day (or even more often) and monitor their child’s every move.
While there are no clear statistics on how many “helicopter parents”
there are these days, it’s likely that many mothers are challenged by finding
appropriate ways to be involved in their children’s life in the transition
year. The National Survey of Student Engagement recently reported that 86% of first-year
college students were in “frequent contact” with their mother, and 71%
communicated frequently with their fathers. While parental involvement was shown
to enrich a student’s college experience, too much involvement is
not a good thing. Parents should know that the same report concluded that college
students with higher levels of parental involvement had significantly lower grades.
How much is too much? Becoming a “coach on the sideline” seems a better
metaphor for this time in order to mentor, and not meddle. After a few days or weeks,
you might even start to feel a delicious sense of relief at not having to parent
24/7!
Denial and distractions — getting through the transition year
During this first year, there will probably be certain times (particularly vacations
and holidays) that can disturb the new pattern. Just when you’re feeling good
about your empty nest, the child comes home for a break that can last from a couple
days to a couple months. The child has changed and been introduced to a wealth of
outside influences, while you have adjusted to your new schedule. Now there are
new rules to make, new dynamics to adjust to — then, just when you are enjoying
having them home, these new adults set off again, out of your sphere of influence.
This new pattern can be quite disorienting, and I am bringing it up because it isn’t
often well recognized. Just as you get used to a quiet household, having meals when
and how you’d like them, the “needy” child is back. By then you
want to be needed and appreciated. It just takes getting used to, and it helps to
recognize that the so-called “empty” nest is actually a constantly changing
field.
Filling in, filling up, letting go — moving past your empty nest
This is what I consider the final stage of empty nesting, and it’s probably
the most important. It can also be called the “acceptance stage.” I
see it as a time of getting past the empty nest metaphor, and deciding that there
is more to life than “the nest.” There are so many options, analogies
or vocations, as many as you can dream or imagine. Here are a few ideas for exploring
this exciting period — but don’t let this list limit your imagination!
- Rest and restore. I put this at the top of the list because when your child
finally leaves home, you’ve really accomplished one of the major goals of
life. Stop to take a break and reflect on what you’ve achieved. Or go to a
retreat and do absolutely nothing. For many empty-nest moms, this may actually be
hardest challenge of all, since we’ve been used to supporting the schedules
and feelings of our whole family.
- Read and share experiences. Everywhere you look, there are resources for
women to turn to. There are excellent tips, polls, and great articles on
emptynestsupport.com and emptynestmoms.com.
Some books that helped me are
It’s Your Time Now: What Will You Do With It? and
The Empty Nest, a collection of famous and not-so-famous people’s
stories of their empty-nest experiences. There is even a
Chicken Soup for the Empty Nesters: 101 Stories about Surviving and Thriving When
the Kids Leave Home out now.
- Reinvent your relationship with your partner, or find a new relationship.
This is a wonderful opportunity to rediscover or ignite your relationships, and
you don’t have to wait until your child is out of the house. Talk with your
partner about their feelings about this new life that’s about to come. Current
research shows that it’s more often fathers who struggle with empty nest syndrome,
since they are less likely to prepare for it. So make a plan to talk together. It’s
even better if you both can take a trip somewhere outside of the home, to begin
discovering what the world has to offer outside the nest.
- Seek hormonal balance. Many empty-nest moms view their children’s
departure as a time to get healthy. This can mean walking on a regular basis with
friends, getting extra sleep, cooking the kinds of foods that nourish you the most,
and eating them when you want to eat them. To help take your mind off the empty
nest, you can build up your physical strength and learn more about the connection
between diet and hormonal balance. With so many
empty-nesters entering and going through menopause, now is a great time to focus
on preventative health and natural means for achieving body, mind, and spiritual
balance.
- Build up your nest egg (retirement). This is a great time to
take charge of your financial health, too, by learning more about investing
for a secure future. While this may be difficult with rising college tuition costs,
most financial advisors recommend taking care of retirement first and definitely
not using retirement funds for college unless absolutely necessary.
- Take a class or cultivate a hobby. Learning a new language, or enrolling
in an art or cooking class you always wanted to take is a great way for empty-nest
moms to discover their own inner student — I keep telling my own family that’s
not long before I’m taking flying lessons! Of course, learning new things
also utilizes new brain circuits, so it’s good for your memory function, too.
- Explore your spiritual self. Take this free time to volunteer for a good
cause that has some personal meaning for you. Or you can reconnect with an old childhood
or college friend (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it couldn’t
hurt to try). Perhaps you can also look at what more you want to give away, or downsize.
Remember that one doesn’t always have to fill the nest, nor abandon it, to
feel fulfilled.
Oh, the places you’ll go
I may be a doctor, but still I think my most important role is as a mother. And
now without that physical presence of my son, my self-identity has been challenged.
For the child, it is much clearer: college, or wherever life has taken them, is
the time to learn, to acquire both social and factual knowledge. A place to test
the waters and find themselves. There should be a college for empty nesters.
After writing this article, I now realize that it’s okay to look fondly back
on those early years (nursing my baby, walking my son to school, glowing in his
successes), when as a mother I had more control and perhaps a different kind of
love. But I also realize there were downsides to those times, too, and the future
holds all sorts of wonderful new and different experiences.
It has become quite apparent that parents who have interests of their own will find
themselves less vicariously dependent upon their children’s happiness. This
is not to say that you should not care if your child is unhappy; however, if you
are content with your own life, you can handle your child’s disappointments
in stride, and become a much needed, invaluable resource.
Our Personal Program is a great place to start
The Personal Program promotes natural hormonal balance with nutritional supplements, our exclusive endocrine support formula, dietary and lifestyle guidance, and optional phone consultations with our Nurse–Educators. It is a convenient, at-home version of what we recommend to all our patients at the clinic.
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Related to this article:
References & further reading on empty
nest syndrome
Original Publication Date: 08/18/2008
Last Modified:
08/17/2009
Principal Author: Dixie Mills, MD