Menopause & perimenopause

If Mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy

by Dixie Mills, MD

I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a 16-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
— Erma Bombeck

Menopause is one of the major signposts in our lives as women and its very bigness can make it hard to think about how it’s affecting our families, particularly our teenaged children. I think teenagers get a bad rap. They have a reputation for being cranky, sulky, and generally uncommunicative, with the entire household held hostage by their hot-and-cold tempers. Hmmm. Could your teenaged kids use those same terms to describe you sometimes? Do your teenagers even know why you might suddenly be having rollercoaster moods, emotional outbursts, or strange physical symptoms? If not, perhaps it’s time to think about how to talk to your children about menopause.

I can already hear in my head the groans of many a teenager who can’t quite figure out how to cope with their mother as a sexual being: “Aw, Mom, do we HAVE to talk about this?” And I suspect there might be just as many moms who are uncertain about how to actually go about explaining it. But menopause isn’t any more of a taboo subject than puberty — in fact, I think the hormonal parallels are pretty astonishing, since you can both have fluctuating emotions at the same time (a friend of mine once called this the “Clash of the Titans!”). But the great news is that just like our teenagers, our perceptions of ourselves change during perimenopause and menopause, and this can lead to a whole new level of self-awareness and understanding.

So there are many wonderful reasons for letting our teens in on what we’re going through, even if we find it just as difficult on our end as they do on theirs. And studies show that staying connected to our families in a positive way helps reduce depressive or anxious emotions we can have during perimenopause or menopause. With the right kind of support, our menopause truly can be a life-changing experience, so let’s talk about ways you and your teenage children can bond during this time in a way works for the both (or all) of you.

Why should I start this conversation?

When thinking about what to title this article, I couldn’t resist a statement made by one of our Members: “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy,” because it shows how much our families need us, but also how much we need our families. With the changing nature of the family in America, the modern menopausal mom really has her hands full — more than ever, we rely on the support of our families and friends, and yes, even our children.

Balancing careers, families, and our own needs can feel downright overwhelming. Just in the same way laughter is contagious, any frustration you feel can cause a ripple effect through our families. That’s why asking your family to understand what you’re going through is an important step in calming the waters when they’re troubled. And bear in mind that some children have no clue whatsoever what menopause means — they may have never even heard the word. So a little injection of information may be one antidote to your frustration, and can help your kids realize that menopause is not a scary, gross, or taboo subject, but a natural — and often invigorating — transition not just for Mom, but for every woman.

Breaking the taboo of menopause with your teens

Many of us grew up during an era when practitioners and others in conventional, Western medicine doubted the reality of women’s menopausal symptoms. Too often, they dismissed their patient’s symptoms, and said something akin to “It’s all in your head.” I hate to think about the legions of women, our mothers and grandmothers, who experienced their menopause alone — and thankfully, in many respects, we are out of the Dark Ages! But while we have come a long way, I believe that we can go even further — because there are still so many women who feel as though their menopause is unmentionable, to be dealt with silently, and by themselves.

It just doesn’t have to be that way. We all know that talking not only affirms how you feel, but also helps to lift the discomfort about sensitive subjects for those who need to understand you the most. Think about menstruation, for example. It wasn’t that long ago that mothers told their daughters about “The Curse,” and ads for feminine hygiene products featured young women in flowing white dresses happily picking flowers, with no direct mention of what the product was for. You were apparently supposed to know already if you needed it, and you were either too young, too masculine, or too delicate of mind to hear about it if you didn’t! Even though we’re long past that point as a society, modern parents are still negotiating how to talk to their adolescent children about hormones — that’s why books like The Period Book and Growing Up: It’s a Girl Thing, as well as What’s Going On Down There? Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask have become so popular.

One great way to help break this hormonal taboo with our kids is to let them know that hormonal fluctuations aren’t something that just happens to teens — or even just to women. Every human being has hormones. Love it or leave it, our hormones are a factual part of our makeup, and they fluctuate naturally every day! There is just no reason for us to be ashamed of our hormones. So talking openly to your children about hormones will prepare them for a lifetime of living with them, and will help them not only understand themselves better, but you as well.

And just like your teens, when all this is over, you’ll have blossomed into someone different — just as teens have more freedom when they become adults, many women discover a newfound sense of freedom and “groundedness” when they’ve passed the menopause milestone. You can let them know that you are on a journey, just as they are.

Why talking about menopause with your kids is good for you

I will often ask my patients how things are going at home, and I usually get a wide range of answers. One of the most common responses I hear is, “My kids think I’ve just gone crazy.” Some say it jokingly — others say it with despair. I wonder sometimes whether the despair comes because the mothers feel disconnected from their children over their “craziness,” or whether it’s because the mothers are thinking, Maybe they’re right!

Of course we are not crazy. And this is another reason why it’s important to open up a dialogue on this subject. This conversation is not just for your kids’ benefit. Talking to your children can also help you in those moments when you find yourself navigating rocky waters. The natural emotional shifts of menopause can be a whole lot easier if your children understand that your occasionally “weird” behavior is hormonal, not psychological — and sharing your experience with them just might help solidify it for you at the same time. The bottom line is, talking about menopause with your children helps them to understand that that there is a reason why Mom might be a little (or a lot) “off” today, when just yesterday you were your usual self.

But if you’re thinking that it’s difficult to even begin a conversation with your teenagers, you’re not alone! There are strategies we all can follow to be better communicators, and again the weight is on our shoulders to initiate these talks. But how can you reach your children about menopause, something that to them might sound “old” or “gross?” How can we get them to really listen, without them feeling like we’re nagging? Let’s talk about that next.

How to talk about menopause so your children listen

Like anything, the timing needs to be right. If you’re cross with your teenage daughter because she ignored her homework to chat with a friend all afternoon, that’s probably not the best time to have a fruitful conversation about moods and hormones. So what follows are a few pointers you can follow for talking with your kids in a way that works for the both of you:

Use humor, patience — and more humor. When you sit down to talk with your teenagers about menopause, a good way to start is to tickle the family funny bone. Talking about personal issues with our children is not always easy, but if you can crack a joke or two to “lighten the mood” in the room, your child will probably feel much more at ease about the topic, and be a better listener in return. And so will you. Menopause demystified is menopause that the whole family can poke fun at in a sympathetic way — something that is especially important if you’ve been feeling at all distanced from your family.

Of course, that’s all very well and good if you happen to be in a great mood right now, but what about when you’re not? I suggest you make use of one of the greatest resources for connecting with adolescents we have available to us: YouTube. There are some terrific and funny (yet clean) clips there that your teen might use to gain a better understanding of what happens during menopause. One of them, How to Survive Your Mother’s Menopause, offers such useful advice as “Ignore your Mom’s wildly fluctuating moods…”, “Calling her a psycho is not going to help”, and “Keep a sweater handy; that way, you’ll be prepared when Mom throws open the window on a frigid day, or lowers the thermostat to 60 degrees.” Sitting down with your daughter or son to watch a YouTube clip about menopause together can serve two purposes — helping them sustain a sense of humor about the situation, and also helping them hear about menopause from a source other than you.

The best part of offering your teen ways of understanding menopause through humor is that it gives you a lift as well. If you’re continually focusing on symptoms or feeling upset about the changes you’re experiencing, chances are, you’re not going to respond well to your teenager when he or she makes a sarcastic remark about how Mom is getting in touch with her inner penguin because you go outside to cool off — in January! But if you can step back and see the humor in your symptoms (as your teen has), it not only makes them seem less overwhelming, it offers you a chance to connect with your kids through laughter. Which is a great way of coping when you feel rotten (or even when you feel pretty good).

But it’s important that you set the stage for all this levity. If your teens think menopause is a “touchy subject” and feel uncomfortable about it, they might feel they don’t dare poke fun at it unless they see you doing so first. (If you need to jiggle your funny bone a little, take a look at the resources I’ve listed in the box.)

Answer simply, and respect their boundaries. While it’s important to create a dialogue with your teens, try not to weigh them down with information delivered in one long, preachy sermon. Instead, offer them some basic information and then expand upon it over time. Sending the message in little bits and pieces not only prevents them from feeling overwhelmed (and shutting you out as a consequence), but also lets them know it’s okay to talk about this subject in casual conversation.

Try and put yourself in their shoes, at their age — they may want information, but are too embarrassed to ask for it, or even to listen when you try to offer it. (This is why jokes may get through to them where direct information may not.)

Through opening up and talking and joking with our teenagers, we can actually use the conversation about menopause as a great connector between you. I’ve felt for a long time that talking to our children about hormones in general is a great way to help them understand their own bodies, and especially if you’re talking to a teenager, the chat can be a gateway to talking about their own hormonal health issues that they might be thinking about (or have unanswered question about) as well.

Connect menopause and puberty. There are a lot of commonalities between your transition and theirs. Your teenagers are having hormonal swings that affect their moods just like you are, and that’s a place where you can make the connections for them. The idea that you’re going through “reverse puberty” is something they’ll probably understand. You can let your kids know that just in the same way they feel bursts of happiness or sadness or excitement, and in the same way they beg to “sleep in” for a few extra hours of rest, Mom might also have these kinds of mood swings and fatigue.

But again, try and gauge how much information is too much. With girls, you may be able to get more detailed about the physical realities of menopause, especially if you make the conversation about menstruation at the same time. You can use the opportunity to talk about her own periods, nutrition, sleep, exercise, and her overall health as well as what’s going on with yours. As she begins menstruating, your menses might be ceasing, and that’s a great opportunity for you to connect — there’s no better time for two females to bond than in the midst of hormonal upheaval!

With boys, it’s pretty likely that any mention of (your) female anatomy will cause them to tune you out in embarrassment, so be mindful for how they feel. My own son got a double dose of education on menopause and breast health due to my job. But I did have to censor some things! You probably won’t want to get into any “gory details” (there really is such a thing as too much information), but you can talk about what hormones are, how they work in our bodies, and how they can amplify our feelings — all teenagers can find something to relate to there. And watch for nonverbal cues: if your teen looks uncomfortable, he or she probably is, so you can respect their boundaries, too.

Make your needs crystal clear. Don’t be afraid to be specific about ways your kids can help you. You can tell them that you may need uninterrupted time to yourself, or that they should learn to avoid making demands on your time when you’re out of sorts. You can come up with your own list of signals that will let them know Mom needs a “time out.”

You can also ask them outright to be more considerate of what you would like to have less of — the back-talk, whining, whatever pushes your buttons. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but it shows them specifically where the limits of your patience might lie.

And you should be prepared (and prepare them, too) for the times you both go over those limits. If your children’s demands have you at the breaking point, and you need to carve out some boundaries, or if their eyes glaze over as you try to make your expectations clear — if you feel like you really are about to explode, find a useful vocabulary that you can rely on to explain how you feel. When you need some space, saying, “Give me ten minutes,” for example, is a better strategy than getting into a confrontation.

Even in these moments, humor still works great. I’d like to share what I think is one woman’s fantastic strategy: whenever she was at a breaking point, she proclaimed to her family that instead of having a cow, she was about to have a moose. When her three teenagers attempted to say anything thereafter, she simply threw back her head and yelled “Moooooose!” at the top of her lungs in falsetto until her kids got the hint. It made them laugh, but it also made them give her space.

Some mothers also use the Wong–Baker face scale. While the Wong–Baker face scale is designed to help healthcare providers quantify the intensity of pain a patient is experiencing, it can also be used as a quick way to show your family how you really are feeling. I know some moms who keep the faces tacked up on their fridge to give themselves a reality check now and again. If your symptoms are really giving you a tough day when your teen is trying to wheedle you into taking her shopping, you can circumvent a potential problem by pointing to it and say, “Right now Mom is feeling like a four, but let’s talk about that in a little while, once I have a chance to cool down.”

Emphasize the positive. Beginning and ending the conversation on an up note sends the message that you’re in control, and your children don’t need to “worry” about you. Our teenagers should walk away feeling as though they’ve learned more about you, and about their own bodies, and feeling glad that you cared enough to share your experience with them — even if they say they don’t want to hear it. Above all, they should feel reassured that they know what to expect from you and how to respond to it — for instance, they’ll know that if you’re being grouchy, they shouldn’t “test” you, but also that your grouchiness really is not their fault!

Connect with your teens in ways that support your body. There are so many ways you can do things that support yourself in menopause while simultaneously strengthening your bond with your teenagers. You might try cooking a nutritious meal together, with each of you contributing to the menu. Another great way to connect is through exercise: ask your teen to join you for some stretching, yoga or meditation. If you prefer more active exercise, try shooting hoops in the driveway, a bike ride, or one-on-one soccer. You can also schedule one quiet hour a day for the family where everyone can do a quiet activity together, like read, paint, play board games, or even just hang out and watch a movie.

All of these activities not only help you address your body’s needs for good nutrition, exercise, and stress relief, they also strengthen your bond with your child. And that’s good for both of you!

Be honest. Finally, I think it’s important for our children to know that even though all women experience menopause, menopause is different for each of us. Let them know that their mom’s menopause is quite special. You can reassure them that menopause is not a disease, and that much of the time you’ll be fine; but it’s also not going to be gone in a few days. A woman’s perimenopause can last for many years, so you can ask them to be a little gentler, a little extra patient — in return, you can reassure them that you will be honest about how you feel.

The up note — what’s great about Mom’s menopause

Our children grow and change so fast — any chance we have to sit down and talk face-to-face is a wonderful opportunity to develop the closeness and trust you have with your family. And while a teen’s “job” may be to challenge us in their quest for independence, our children are also good people, who really don’t want their Mom to be hurting at all. If you take a chance and share your experience with them, you may be delighted.

But don’t be hurt if your teen(s) really don’t want to talk about it, either. It may not be the right time, and you can try for a later date. And if they really resist the topic, then try not to press it; you can simply let them know that you’re just not yourself today, but you love them, and you need a little space.

While I’m a believer in the old adage, Actions speak louder than words, I’ve come to realize that words are necessary in a lot of situations. Life can be interrupted in many strange ways, and it can be so helpful to have a simple conversation about what is going on. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about personal conversations with my son, our children are truly unpredictable! Oftentimes the briefest exchange can surprise you later on.

Remember that even with all the ups and downs that come with menopause, we are the adults, and our children can’t be expected to become quieter, or neater, or to express themselves differently just because we’d like them to. Like any major life transition, going through menopause usually changes women. Women themselves report this is most often for the better — with better health, more fun, and more independence and choice. But when we’re in the moment, it’s difficult to ask our children to understand why we don’t feel our best selves — unless, of course, we teach them how.

 

Original Publication Date: 11/10/2008
Last Modified: 02/16/2010
Principal Author: Dixie Mills, MD